I haven’t blogged for a while. As with all of my projects, I have great initiative but shitty follow-through. It is to be expected.
And since this is my blog, I’m writing about what I want to write about. We’re talking about motherfucking feelings and emotions. Feel free to discontinue reading. You’re probably an asshole anyways.
Once a year, I hit a serious funk. I’m in the middle of my yearly funk at the moment. It is not pleasant. Everything makes me anxious. The thought of going out in public and talking to people (even people I know) makes me anxious. Thinking of everything I need to do around my apartment makes me anxious. Thinking about the list of things I have to do at work makes me anxious. And when I have anxiety, I get the poops. Like seven times a day. Like to the point where I’m so dehydrated from being in the bathroom that I’m dizzy.
I make myself ill and then I curl up in my bed for hours and cry. This is not normal, I realize. At least it’s only once a year. I feel the upswing coming, so I think I’ll be okay soon.
I think this downward spiral started right when I got back from my trip to Seattle. I had fun in a real city. And then I came back here. I’m stagnant. I’m slowly working on changing that, but it’s hard.
Social anxiety is also something that I routinely deal with. There is a reason that all of my closest friends are people I’ve known for over a decade. Once I lock you in, I keep you forever. It helps that all of my oldest friends are the best people. Smart, funny, and passionate.
Meeting new people blows and is terrifying. I’m not good at it. It takes a while for me to really trust anyone. When new people turn out to be shitty, I’m never really surprised. My expectations were not high to begin with.
I’m also going to have to discontinue my dating app adventures for a while. I get the grossest messages. It’s funny at first, but slowly it starts to eat away at my self worth. I am largely only an embodiment of a fetish for many guys. It’d be nice to have a genuine interaction occasionally. I have met up with two guys from OkCupid ever. One was with the intention of being friends. We’re still friends. He’s good people.
I’m going to go eat a donut now.